Palpatine for President: Or my new reason for Hating the Sequels.

Lately I have been wasting far, far too much time on a newish Gawker site called io9. io9 exists in that perfect not to hot, not too cold bowl of online porridge. Dealing with the wonderful world of Sci-Fi it never gets bogged down with the scandals and punditry of real news and the entertainment world, and it does it all with a sense of pride, fun and understanding deserving of good, old school nerds. Best of all, it is a bit lighter on the snark. They also have the usual area for me to voice my elegant opinion because I love the sound of my own voice.

Recently on the site, in this election year, there have been several polls dealing with Science Fiction and real world politics. Who's facist regime would you live under, what villain would make the best president, and so on. Understandably Star Wars rears its pretty head regularly, being somewhat of a gold standard in the world of SciFi. It has gotten me thinking. Senator, now Emperor Palpatine's Empire may have been the best of several evils.



When I was a child you could get no cooler than Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and Han Solo. These 3 with grit, determination, and a wonderful invisible power called the force defeated a nasty horrible faceless villain hell bent on destruction and limitless power. Our hero Luke's journey was that much more difficult because Darth Vader (spoiler alert), the cold emotionless villain, was his father. He had to save and sacrifice his own blood for the good of the universe. Amazing. It even had Ewoks, who I will never apologize for because they are awesome. If you hate them, you hate them because they are small and cute. So you might as well hate other small and cute things like puppies, Dunnys and Little People. Hating little people is like hating black people ergo.. if you hate Ewoks, you're a racist shit.

Where was I? Ah yes. All of this wonder existed in a glorious universe conjured up by Lucas from his vast knowledge of mythology and literary archtypes. Taking cues from Joseph Campbell each character from R2D2 to Nien Numb existed to fill a specific purpose in his re-imagining of a time tested tale. We knew Luke was good simply because he was our main character, we knew Darth Vader was bad because he wore black (and choked people). We knew Han was a trustworthy rogue because he wore a vest. Knowing these simple unspoken truths made this a tale that sank into the public's heart for 20 years and never left. I only had trouble with the word Rebel. I didn't understand how they could be Rebels, and be good, when in all the states right below me in MD, rebel meant "people who fought the north and wanted slaves". Then I grew up. My love for the films never swayed, but the story changed, and it got me thinking... The Jedi had to go.

Now before I go on I don't want anybody bringing in arguments and plot points from the god-damn expanded universe. Star Wars begins and ends with the moving image. Yeah, that means that to me "Life Day" holds more sway than "The Sith Era" or "KOTOR". If it didn't happen on a screen that I couldn't contol... it didn't happen as far as I'm concerned.

The problem came with the prequels. Lucas began to take his mythology and explain it. Political posturing, midiclorians, trade disagreements, senate hearings. They had Terrence bloody Stamp as the leader of the Senate!!! How could that be boring?! Then we learned more, a lot more, about the Jedi. So what had been a group of cool noble laser sword weilding knights slaughtered by an evil force became a political organization of freelance soldiers imposing their religious will on the universe at war with another political force. This got the ball rolling in my head. What did the Empire do that was so bad?

V had Lizards rounding up innocent civilians and podding them for food. The Fremen in Dune are hunted for being natives to a priceless planet. Enemy Mine, slaves, At no point in the original trilogy does the empire attack someone that didn't have it coming. Oh sure, there was Aalderan. They were a peaceful planet... A peaceful planet harboring rebel fugitives and who's princess was a Rebel leader. Right or wrong, you gotta expect some blowback from that.

Where were the concentration camps? Where was the persecution? Look at Mos Eisley! The place is worse than Reno! Gin joints, hookers, fights, people of all walks of life milling about. Does the Empire care? Nope they just want the plans for their Floating Planet Smasher that they'll use to scare people into what? Paying the proper trade guild fees? Fine, here's 5 credits go blow up another planet.
And how do they go about getting the plans? Casually asking motorists. The next time you're at a traffic stop nonchalantly wave your hand and say "You don't need to search my car." See what happens. And we don't even live in a totalitarian regime.

Just take a look at it in terms of today's politics. Let's say there was a party of fight happy, organized religious nutbags ready to go anywhere and attack or invade anyone to prove that their way of thinking was the right one, would you vote for them? Or, would you vote for the other guy. The weird old guy in the hood with his shiney helmeted half robot VP who just wants a little of your money for taxes.
What about WAR "Emperor"? Not a problem we'll take care of any and all conflicts and not a single one of your sons or daughters has to die because with the taxes you are paying... Clone army... done. Not only that, but I'm guessing any political party that is cool with that level of cloning is gonna have absolutely no problem with stem-cell research.

What about Hoth, Yavin, Endor.. Those are battles buddy! Maybe they wouldn't keep trying to crush your rebellion if you weren't always trying to blow up their Not-a-moons.

And who would you want for a leader? The guy who rose through the ranks, learned his trade, built his forces and allegiances over time... Or the hick son of a lifelong politician who finally crawled his way out of the boondocks, not going to the academy, finding religion a couple decades into his life and going on a crazy crusade with a crotchety old man at his side to ruin all the hard work the government had done balancing budgets, establishing good relations with other planets and bringing all people under a united banner.

I wish I didn't think these things, but I do. All it would've taken was for Lucas to show one Gungan gas chamber, some propaganda posters in Coruscant calling for people to out their Jedish neighbors, innocents getting plucked up by the 501st and never seen again, but he didn't. He built the world as he wanted us to see it. Hell, do you know anyone other than crazed warlords who use children soldiers?! Nope. But there were the younglings ready to roll with their rat tails and light sabers. Twisted.

So this November... Vote for Palpatine. And George Lucas...stop fucking explaining everything, you're sucking all the fun out of it.

Been A While

Hey everyone. A couple big things...
1. I turned my lovely girlfriend into my lovely fiancee.

2. I have a steady Job as a Senior Designer for a media company. We worked in Vegas doing the Keynote for Bill Gates at CES. It was very very tiring. Here are pics.

3. I did #1 in Holland over the Holidays... here are those pics...

4. We just bought a massive TV thanks to our friend Corey. Pics to come of that, but take my word that I'm glad Blu-Ray is winning. Holy crap is it awesome.

5. Thanks to the recently released sketch I solved the Madeline McCann case.

More to come soon. Maybe even some more Slander Panda. I've been busy, sorry :(

-P

god, who will I vote for this November!?! wait, next November? Seriously? that far off? Fuucck

Hc619-tm

Oh thats so cute that they had the time to do that. She's really touching on the issues that matter, you know like what crap song she's going to pick, and what the country thought about how the Sopranos ended (poorly). Thank god she doesn't have to deal with a war, or corruption, of healthcare, or racism, or equal rights, or genocide in foreign countries, so that she can show us that she is just like us because she can post videos on the internet. Good move, I now can take her just as seriously as I do guys who drop Mentos into soda bottles, or guys who dry hump furniture.
Do people actually fall for this shit? I mean really... is generation X, Y, and i, so gullible that they fall for political internet chicanery like this or 70 year old men having myspace pages? I'll tell you one thing if Ron Paul wasn't a politcial candidate he could very well expect a visit from Chris Hansen.

Sorry Hilary, we love Bill but thats where it ends.

Episode IV: you know the rest

Haha back to jail. I created that card above if you want to send her your love.

Thing # 36 that I don't miss about LA

Yes, they let Paris Hilton out. Apparently because she was ill. See Charles Manson? All those fuckin parole hearings and you never thought to develop a cough. I pray this dumb vapid walking staph infection gets drunk, hops into her Bently and plows through a middle school cross walk, just so someone, anyone, can learn about cause and effect. I don't think people realize what an inspiration this woman is for little girls. ahhhh, sigh... maybe I'll update more, but I'm sure I'd just be writing what you're thinking anyways.

*addition*
This is a response I posted somewhere to someone making a comment saying that -
"How many people died in Bagdhad yesterday? Do you people really want to riot over Paris Hilton? Gawd, get a life. Just sayin...."

-It pisses me off because this is as much a product of our culture of lack of culpability as the war in Iraq. The past few years we have developed a society where flaunting money, criminal and unethical behavior, and a general lack of respect for anyone you consider less than yourself, has become not only accepted but praised. Most of us here saw someone who is a figurehead for this selfish movement possibly facing consequences for their actions and we were excited that society was possibly doing something right. And we were let down. So if we can't punish a celebrity for flagrantly breaking the law, what hope does an Iraqi child have for someone in our government bothering to take responsibility for their fate. Its a shallow analogy that we are making here, but its a shallow country we live in.

Calling all art snobs

Short little thing. This weekend Sabine and I found this at a flea market. We still need to frame it but it looks pretty sharp. People have said it looks like Peter Max, but who knows... Actually yeah, who knows. Anyone know who the artist is on this? We wonder if its worth anything so we can not sell it, but take pride in knowing that we paid less than we should have for it. Like how I found RJD2's "Deadringer" and "Since We Last Spoke" on vinyl at a thrift store for 99c each... kick ass.

Just when I thought they may get cool again...

My oh my, I've heard of some horrible ad campaings, but DR Martens seems fit to take any credibility they had by throwing musical icons under the double decker bus. please take a gander...


Fred Astaire dancing with a vacuum cleaner, and remixing singing in the rain (still awesome) are one thing, but to take "Punk" figureheads, a movement based around eschewing commercialism and capitalist ideas of money over art (while still conforming to a rigid, almost fascist, sense of fashion and musical taste), and turning their unfortunate young demise into a billboard for the official shoe of the subculture is more or less a lesson in how to lose a demographic. I will say though that I have a feeling that the Hot Topic crowd who weren't old enough to pay attention and mourn for these people will probably be scouring stores for these posters to put on their dorm room wall in a year or two. This lack of respect for what made artists who they are is how you end up with Bob Marley's only fans being frat-boys and The Clash being covered on American Idol. Which brings me to what really pisses me off about this campaign.

JOE STRUMMER?!! The rest are good, classics, but way overrated icons who were in the right place at the right time, and lets face it, would probably have sold out like this had they lived.

Joey Ramone... I think Ramones shirts are 2nd only to CBGB shirts in the "Purchases that the Purchasee had no idea what was on their shirt".

Sid Vicious was a lucky hack druggie in a boy band that only gained street cred through his death and the fear of middle aged brits. Their music is so flimsy that while we can look back on the Clash and still see great albums we look back at their one album (yeah they only had one) and say... It's cool, they're like the Monkees of punk. They sure could curse on live TV well, but all their songs sound kind of similar.

Kurt Cobain was married to Courtney Love and wrote her only marginally good album. Hmmm guy gets rich and sucker marries the first dumb slutty blonde that comes along and then gives her his soul. That is so not a sellout move that hasn't been done by every rockstar/actor/director/sports figure in history who made a little money. Then he kills himself, biggest sellout move of all.

So all those guys clearly had a moment in the sun, Cobain probably being the most talented, but all of them wishy washy pop subculture figures. But Joe Strummer was a musical genius. This last albums were as good as his work with The Clash, and his death was truly a tragedy. He was a musician and a song writer, not a fashion accessory for disaffected youth. I don't know who sold out his estate like this but unless it was to pay off any outstanding debts he may have left behind you should be ashamed. And whoever the graphic designer was who did these posters... Fuck you Too, you could've at least not made them look like giant floating gays. Let's say Sid did make it to heaven (doubtful but for the sake of argument), wouldn't it be a better pic to have him bloody and punching Jesus?! Seems like a more appropriate image from the man in the band who's most famous lyric is "I am the anti-christ".

I lost my moral compass!!!

Jack Valenti was rated R for Really Dead today. The hairy Mr. Burns up there is the reason most of the movies you see aren't nearly as good as they could be. Check this to see why.